The Myth of Buy-In
Why compliance isn’t ownership
In the previous post, we explored how resistance, when truly listened to it offers essential data for making change stick. But even when that resistance has been heard, there’s another leadership pattern that can quietly stall progress: the myth of buy-in.
Buy-in feels like progress. People nod. They agree. The plan moves forward. But weeks later, nothing happens.
Leaders often think they’ve created alignment, but what they’ve secured is compliance. Not commitment. Not real engagement. And certainly not ownership.
But too often, a few weeks later, things begin to stall. Priorities drift. Energy dips. Actions don’t follow. The initiative that felt aligned in the room slowly loses traction.
Leaders are left wondering, What happened? Why aren’t people doing what they agreed to? The answer is usually this:
You secured buy-in, but not ownership.
You got agreement, but not investment.
And without ownership, change doesn’t stick. It stays dependent on the leader’s energy. It fades when focus shifts. It doesn’t anchor in the system, because no one truly claimed it as theirs.
Why buy-in falls short
1. It can be given without real commitment.
People will agree to avoid conflict, to maintain harmony, or simply to wait out the change, especially if they’ve lived through cycles of change that didn’t last. A “yes” doesn’t always mean they’re with you.
2. It doesn’t require emotional engagement.
Buy-in can happen with zero skin in the game. It doesn’t ask people to wrestle with fear, uncertainty, or responsibility. It allows people to stay safe and distant, even while appearing supportive.
3. It places the burden on the leader to sustain momentum.
When you’re driving buy-in, you carry the weight. You’re the motivator, the reminder, the one doing the heavy lifting. It’s exhausting and it’s unsustainable.
Buy-in is a head nod. Ownership is a whole body yes.
In many change processes, we equate agreement with alignment. We believe if everyone’s nodding, we’re good to go. But often, that agreement is surface level. It hasn’t gone through the deeper process of integration and meaning making.
Buy-in is performative.
It happens when people intellectually agree, but emotionally disconnect.
They might show up to the meetings. They’ll echo your language. But the work doesn’t shift.
That’s not engagement. That’s compliance. And compliance doesn’t sustain change.
Ownership is embodied.
It shows up in how people take initiative, how they speak with conviction, how they move toward uncertainty with agency.
It lives in their tone, not just their tasks.
Ownership doesn’t come from being convinced. It doesn’t arise because the case was clear or the messaging was crisp. Ownership happens when people step into something because they see themselves in it. And that only happens when we give people a container to step into.
Ownership requires a container
Here’s the counterintuitive truth:
People don’t step into ownership because you’ve convinced them. They step in because you’ve created a space they can genuinely enter. Ownership doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It needs structure and safety. In other words, it needs a container, a leadership environment that holds both clarity and psychological space. Without this container, people default to what’s safe - passivity, compliance, hesitation, or surface level engagement. With it, they’re more likely to risk discomfort, speak up, and step into shared responsibility.
A strong container has two key components:
Visible boundaries
This is the structural side of the container. People need to know what’s already decided, what’s non-negotiable, and where they’re genuinely being invited to lead.
Boundaries give shape to participation. Without them, everything feels fuzzy and people hold back unsure if their voice matters, or if they’ll be undercut later. Boundaries don’t restrict ownership; they enable it.
Questions to clarify boundaries:
What parts of the vision or plan / strategy are set in stone?
What constraints are already agreed on (timing, budget, strategic priorities)?
What values or principles won’t be compromised?
Being honest about boundaries builds trust. It tells people: We’re not pretending this is a blank canvas. But there’s real room for your leadership within it.
Psychological space
This is the relational and emotional side of the container. It’s where people sense whether there’s room to challenge, to question, to feel, and to take risks.
Without psychological safety, people may nod, but they won’t engage deeply. They’ll perform. They’ll wait. Or they’ll quietly opt out, but without you even knowing. Psychological space isn’t created by saying “your voice matters”, it’s created by how you respond when that voice brings friction, when you:
Stay present when someone expresses doubt or discomfort.
Invite emotional responses, not just intellectual ones.
Normalise pushback as a sign of real engagement.
Model humility by naming your own uncertainty or learning edge.
Make it clear that disagreement doesn’t equal disengagement.
Together, visible boundaries and psychological space create the conditions where people know where the edges are and feel safe enough to move within them.
What it sounds like in practice
Here’s a simple shift in language that creates both containment and space:
“This is the direction we’re moving in. The destination is set.
What’s open for your leadership is how we get there, what your team needs, what roadblocks you see, what shape this takes on the ground. I want you to lead that part.”
This does three powerful things:
It signals clarity: the direction is known.
It signals trust: people aren’t just executors—they’re leaders.
It signals permission: resistance, friction, and questions are welcome.
Ownership doesn’t always look like enthusiasm
Many leaders mistake ownership for enthusiasm. But in reality, sometimes ownership often begins in resistance. It might sound like:
“This won’t work in my area.”
“We’ve tried this before.”
“There are deeper problems this doesn’t address.”
It’s tempting to smooth these comments over, to re-explain the rationale, to bring people “back on side.” But often, this is the very moment ownership begins. Because when someone starts pushing back, they’re not distancing themselves. They’re beginning to engage with the real implications. They’re starting to care. When that happens, don’t neutralise it. Don’t solve it too quickly. Stay with it. Reflect it. Make space for what it reveals.
What I’ve learned
Earlier in my career, I worked hard to get everyone aligned and secure their buy-ins. I believed that if I could just explain the vision clearly enough, explain the why, people would follow. If I made the case strong enough, I’d win their support.
Now, I see it differently.
My role isn’t to secure buy-in. It’s to hold the structure clearly enough that people can step into it fully—with their doubts, with their emotions, and with their leadership intact. Because when the vision is clear, and the space is real, people begin to move. Not because I pushed. But because I made it possible for others to lead.
Reflection questions
If you're navigating change, consider:
Where are you chasing buy-in when you should be cultivating ownership?
Have you been clear about what’s fixed versus what’s flexible?
Are you creating enough psychological space for discomfort to be processed, not avoided?
Are people nodding politely or wrestling meaningfully?
Final thought
When we chase buy-in, we often mistake politeness for progress. We settle for agreement that looks good on the surface but lacks the depth to hold when things get hard.
But when we cultivate ownership—when we create the structure and safety for people to step in with their full selves—something stronger emerges. A system that moves because people are in it. Not just following it.
This is the shift that transforms leadership from direction setting to capacity-building. Because if your team needs you to carry the vision every day, the change isn’t really happening. It’s only surviving. But if people begin to carry it with you—questioning it, shaping it, claiming their part—then change has a chance to take root.
In the next post, we’ll explore what it looks like to stay in connection when things get hard—how to lead relationally through tension, and why staying connected, not staying in control, is what keeps change alive.